When is it a good time to have an argument?

I am sure most people would say that there is not a good time to have an argument.  I would also point out that you can only know if a conversation turned into an argument after it has happened.  If you think a conversation is going to be an argument, you will likely be right. That is why I would prefer to answer the question, when is it a good time to have a difficult conversation.

If we know that the conversation is going to be difficult, we are more likely to approach it, with sensitivity and not “looking for an argument”.  Further if you are thinking this is going to be an argument, you are not going to be able to listen, as you have already decided that they are not going to agree with you.

So if I think I am going to have a difficult conversation with someone, the way I prepare for that is covered in my article “You cannot Practise an Argument – only refine one or two points”.  Now when is a good time to start a difficult conversation.  I have found that it is in fact when you are both in a good mood, or at least not when one or both of you are in a bad mood.  Do not bring up your difficult conversation, because they have started their own difficult conversation. This is the “well you did this” response.  This response totally ignores the other person’s concern and is not going to create an effective conversation. It is most likely to result in a shouting match, as both of you just want to get their point over and often at all cost.

So you are looking for a time when both of you are at least calm and you have decided to start the conversation with an “I statement” that is about how you see the problem.  Remember that it is only your opinion, but it is how you feel.  You then allow the other person to respond.

When I was early in my relationship with my partner now, I used to find it a problem that she would never pour my coffee out in the morning if she was the first one down in the morning.  I had built this up in my head and I had practised the argument and so I opened with what I thought was a gentle statement, before I then went in for the kill, I had practised my responses.  I knew what she was going to say.  I started with “you never pour my coffee when you are first up”.  She replied “I know, I leave it in the Thermos so it stays warm for you”. I said “I had never thought of that and I had built it up so much in my head that I wanted to argue with you on this”.  If I had spoken out earlier I would have saved so much time and thought.  The outcome was Erika pours my coffee now.

The final point I would make is that if you are planning on having a difficult conversation with someone, try to plan for an exit or a way to move on.  One of the things that can happen with difficult conversations is they can drag on.  Try to make sure that you do not get stuck in a loop of variations of the same point.  So you may start the conversation 10 or 15 minutes at the end of a journey, where getting out of the car interrupts the conversation, or at least allows one of you to say, lets carry this on later.